The Shark Film Office

Marina Monster  (2008) Dir.: Christine Whitlock Cinema 4 Rating: 1/9 If I ever get the chance to make my own monster, shark,  OR  monstrous shark movie, I hope it's half as stupid as  Marina Monster . Farting and burping sounds when some characters appear in view of the camera. Clown horns punctuating "jokes" so that we are certain to understand they were meant that way. A foghorn-and-cowbell combination (or sometimes a couple of bass notes) that sounds when certain female breasts arrive onscreen  (always covered discreetly) . Cliched, noirish saxophone bursts when one character is seduced by another or when one particularly muscled character lifts his shirt. Cash register noises when another character makes drug deals over and over again. A rumbling sound (accompanied by a shaky camera) that occurs every time (and there are many of these moments) that a dock in the harbor is hit by the titular monster.  Marina Monster  is a cornucopia of ridiculous...

It would be nice if we had a world where people would simply be happy in going to the movies to see beautiful sharks gliding smoothly and expertly through the water, content in seeing these glorious creatures interacting in their natural environment while  spending their lives as a vital cog in the ecological cycle of our planet. It would be nice, but it's not realistic. Sure, you can put out a documentary now and again, such as  Disney's Oceans , and have some marvelous footage of sharks included in the mix, and you will get a certain audience. Or you can put out, on a much more limited level, a doc like  Sharkwater  to bring in more specialized crowds that, like me, believe in saving sharks for the good of the oceans, the world, and mankind in turn. But you will probably get even smaller audience for something like that, or you will have to tour with such a film to build those crowds. Or you can stick to television docs like Sir David Attenborough and give us BB...