The Shark Film Office

It's hard to concentrate on movies or blogging when all you have are thoughts of copulating sharks in your head. Such is the problem when Discovery Channel's annual  Shark Week  rolls around. It's not my fault that they devoted an entire documentary to  The Science of Shark Sex ! But then the filmmakers spent 45 minutes of the show  not  talking about shark sex at all, but instead showed the drooling scientists roaming about the water around three islands posting all sorts of monitoring devices in their attempt to capture the mating habits of some grey reef sharks. But once the magic moment arrives --  BUCK-A-WHANG!  It was so freaking graphic, with all of this descriptive talk about penetration and thrusting, that I wasn't sure that I hadn't fallen asleep earlier and missed the whole plotline involving the great white pizza delivery boy and the randy nurse shark cheerleader. The scientists made a big deal about how they had been waiting their whol...

A*P*E   (1976) Director: Paul J. Leder TC4P Rating: 2/9 "Imagine. Almost 36 feet tall... wow..."   - Freighter mate on ship transporting A*P*E across the ocean at start of film. You are going to run into this film on just about any "So Bad You've Gotta See It!"-type of site or book... and yeah, it is... and yeah, you gotta see it. Its fecundity is only matched by its stupidity, but in its tattered, zipper-up-the-back way, its actually quite clever. But only if director Paul Leder actually meant the film to be this bad. Could there be a chance that this chintzy, decrepit South Korean production is actually the most brilliant spoof in the history of movies? A film that not only mocks giant ape movies and current movie trends, but does it in the way that most common citizens "think" of or expect giant ape movies to be? Is the entire film a complete put on, and to a large degree, a cynical attempt to flip off the audience (which the big simian does at ...

Sirens (1994) Dir.: John Duigan TC4P Rating: 6/9 Species: Not described, though obviously of a "man-eating" variety. Appearance: Via brief dialogue only. No actual shark appears in Sirens , which some may remember (or were drawn to initially) because the film’s chief draw was marvelous display for rampant female nudity of the Australian variety. Generally land-bound, the film manages to work a shark into the dialogue, as one of their number is mentioned as an instrument of paternal destruction as Portia de Rossi's character, Giddy, explains her past to Tara Fitzgerald's clergyman's wife, Estella: Giddy: "Mine was taken by a shark." Estella: "God! How awful!" Giddy: " Yeah, yeah. Wasn't much left of him. So I was brought up mainly by my mother." This dialogue is rather tossed off in Sirens , and has no real impact on the remainder of the film.  In deference to this tone, thankfully no shark shows up physically...