The Shark Film Office

Marina Monster  (2008) Dir.: Christine Whitlock Cinema 4 Rating: 1/9 If I ever get the chance to make my own monster, shark,  OR  monstrous shark movie, I hope it's half as stupid as  Marina Monster . Farting and burping sounds when some characters appear in view of the camera. Clown horns punctuating "jokes" so that we are certain to understand they were meant that way. A foghorn-and-cowbell combination (or sometimes a couple of bass notes) that sounds when certain female breasts arrive onscreen  (always covered discreetly) . Cliched, noirish saxophone bursts when one character is seduced by another or when one particularly muscled character lifts his shirt. Cash register noises when another character makes drug deals over and over again. A rumbling sound (accompanied by a shaky camera) that occurs every time (and there are many of these moments) that a dock in the harbor is hit by the titular monster.  Marina Monster  is a cornucopia of ridiculous...

Malibu Shark Attack  (2009) Dir.: David Lister Cinema 4 Rating: 3/9 Shark species: Goblin shark ( Mitsukurina owstoni ), but a prehistoric version, so it's OK that they do things a goblin shark can't. Right? The goblin shark has a face that only a mother goblin shark could love. Or an ichthyologist. Or me... With a long, flattened snout that looks like it was daddied by Jimmy Durante himself, jaws that stretch out forward to an improbable length, and a strange pinkish skin tone, goblin sharks seem like a nightmare scenario when seen in the light of day. But it's our light, not theirs, for the goblin shark goes largely unseen by human eyes. I suppose you could say, technically, such a thing about a great many sharks, since they live in the deep, and we only detect the slightest traces of their oceanic omnipresence from our surface world. But goblin sharks tend to live in the real deep  deep , dining on fish and other sea creatures in the relative darkness of deepwater c...